Longing

I miss him. I received an email yesterday of a picture of S from the lawyer that went to his region. S had the biggest smile, so much pure joy. I've seen more than a few photos of him from his orphanage and he was never smiling. I can't help but think in that moment he knew...he knew we wanted him. He knew he was meeting with the lawyer to get him on the registry because we CHOSE him.

I was so thankful to get that picture. At the same time, it was so hard. I cried. A lot. I miss him. More than words can express. My arms ache to hug him. I miss seeing his smile. The way his skin crinkles up around his eyes when he smiled, the hint of dimples, the huge-open- mouth-beautiful smiles. The sound of his laughter. His giggles. Oh, he's a giggler. I miss how I'd have to watch my every move or sure enough the kid would jump out and scare me! He succeeded in that numerous times a day; I guess I never learned. I miss feeling his arms around me, holding onto to me when I hugged him. Squeezing me tightly, lingering the hug with his head resting on my shoulder. I miss my kisses on the cheek goodnight. I miss the sound of him saying "I love YOU". I miss the sound of his voice saying "mom!" From down the hall. I miss his "goodmornings" and "goodnights". I miss having him help me with Pumpkin, buckling her in the carseat, carrying her, playing with her, getting her snacks or breakfast. Not because I need the help but because I see his love for her and it just melted my heart. It was so heartwarming to see how eager he was to make her happy. To be her big brother. He loved her so naturally. Like we had always been together. I miss seeing the two of them together. So far apart in age, but so connected at the heart. I miss his silliness, how he finds random things funny; just like me. I just miss the sound of his voice! My heart aches for him. I miss telling him "Good job!". The way he looked up to me to make sure I was watching him. The way his face look when I approved, when I told him how good he was at something. Because I don't think anyone has. I miss watching him play soccer and basketball and cheering him on. I miss playing card games with him, how competitive he is. How excited he gets when he wins. I miss hearing him sing to songs on the radio, seeing him dance. I actually miss how frustrated we would both get trying to understand eachother, most always ending up in hysterical laughter. I can feel the absence of him in our family. We are missing someone. I am longing for him. God, please bring me back this boy as quickly as possible.

I see other families that get to Skype, and talk on the phone every day to their child. I silently envy them. I know it's wrong to feel that way and I know I shouldn't. But I can't help but to want the same. I can't help, as a mother, wanting to hear my sons voice every day. Wanting to see his beautiful face. I just keep telling myself that I will see his face and hear his voice everyday for years to come. This little voice just keeps telling me to keep going. One foot infront of the other. One day at a time.

Then I beg with God. I beg for Him to please create a miracle and let this year+ wait be waived for our boy so he can be back where he belongs. Because this momma misses her son.